The Cancer Whisperer by Sophie Sabbage

Author:Sophie Sabbage
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2016-11-29T16:21:03+00:00

When I did this process on the lifeshock of hearing the oncologist tell me, “My main aim is to give you a good quality of life,” these were some of the beliefs I went on to verify:

I’m going to die soon. Don’t know. I really don’t know.

I can’t bear this. False. I can bear this. I am bearing this.

I don’t want a good quality of life. False. I do.

I want a long life, a full life. True.

I have to stay here for Gabriella. False. I want to, deeply, but don’t have to and may not be able to.

I can’t leave her. False. I can, even if I don’t want to. And I may not have a choice.

It will devastate her. Don’t know. She may feel great grief, but I don’t know how she will deal with this. It may be the making of her as a person. I just don’t know. But I do know she has amazing people in her life to help her through this.

I am her whole world. False. I am her mum, whom she loves hugely. I am a big part of her world, but her world is much bigger than me.

I’m her safe place. False. She does feel very safe with me, but I can’t guarantee her safety, especially if I have terminal cancer.

It will be too hard for John. False. My husband is incredibly strong. He will do what it takes to take care of our daughter and live a fulfilling life.

It’s my fault. False. I have done some self-destructive things over the years, but this was caused by multiple factors and not one particular “fault.”

I’ve wasted my life. False. I have had a full, blessed life of service. I have made a difference to many people. I have not fulfilled all my purposes or achieved all that I wanted, but I am proud of what I have created, how I have loved, and what I have given. I have also neglected things that matter to me, like writing, and I’ve hidden out when I wanted to be more visible. I would like the chance to correct those things.

I’ve betrayed my family. False. I am deeply loyal to my family and will do all I can to help them through this experience. I didn’t promise them an easy ride. I promised them an authentic one. I promised to help us learn from everything that happens and do the best we can with what we have.

I’m irresponsible. False. I wish I had taken more responsibility for my health over the years. I wish I hadn’t taken it for granted in the ways that I did. But I am responsible in many ways and response-able in this situation.

I’m selfish. False. No, no, no. I love, I care, I give, I feel, I empathize, I am deeply compassionate and generous. And, yes, sometimes I do selfish things. Having cancer is not one of them.

It’s too late. Don’t know. This is just the start of my journey. I don’t know what I can do to turn this around or extend my life, but I will do everything I can.

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